I really cannot take this anymore.
The pumping of my heart speeds up and makes me feel like I've just murdered a whole village of people just by a mere casual unexpected thought.

I seriously seriously do not think I can make it into school team this year.
I was convincing myself so darn hard, but I just screwed up in the miserable 2 minutes I had on court, being bumped, injured and shoved around and then I was out, the coach screaming in my ears.

Obviously he was open to the idea of critising me in front of the better ones.
So yeah, fat deal.

As I've mentioned, I've got better things on my mind to worry about, like that annoying thing.
I completely cannot concentrate on doing anything and I'll just mindlessly start feeling nervous and jittery and all.
Which sucks really.

The match as Fuhua was uneventful, yet eventful at the same miserable time.
Had a great laugh with the others laughing at particular Fuhua player.
Eek.

Then I just realised, that when you really want to do something, but others beat you to it, and you chicken out the last minute, makes you feel like a world- class idiot that isn't even worth the attention of ants.
That's exactly what happened,
I couldn't even open my mouth to say something in my own defence and stuff while everyone got the good bits.

and they didn't even want it.
and I regretted while on the way to CellGroup but then my stomach started to hurt really bad.
I grabbed a bun and thought it might be minor gastric and all, but after eating the bun, the pain got worse and I almost couldn't breathe on the bus.
The walk from the bustop to JY's house nearly killed me and I stumbled my way there.
After entering JY's house I broke down in hysterical tears (haha) due to the sadistic pain.
Real bad.
Then Yuerong made me sleep and I feel much better now.

ohwell.
):
time to go reflect on the big idiot I am.